When you look at your reflection in your business card holder, I know you want to see a "killer" but not THIS kind of killer. Not a PSYCHO. You want to see a killer of a person. An ace of a guy or gal. Not someone's pain in the ass. Disperse them carefully. Don't become that person whose card lies at the bottom of a purse where in a year's time a woman, when cleaning it out says, "Who the hell is this?" and trashes it. Watermarks, embossing--it doesn't matter--choose wisely my friends. Choose wisely.

Dear Ethers,

I’ve noticed in Los Angeles that everyone hands you a business card.  They come in all shapes, sizes, finishes.  Do you remember the scene in “American Psycho” when Patrick Bateman freaks out because one of his peers has (hark!) a watermark on HIS business card making it FAR more superior than anyone else’s in the room?  Of course this was a farce on 80’s opulence and competition, but the joke is that it still exists in 2009. 

I’m handed business cards left and right.  I could be sitting at a café and a guy could be walking by.  He and I could be having a lovely chat and then I see him making the “move.”  I know the signal.  I simply asked his name.  Instead of just answering—no—he must “show me.”  His hand glides into his back pocket tugging at his wallet and he opens his billfold carefully plucking out a lustrous card proud and grinning.  I’m usually caught off guard because his profession is nothing I’m terribly interested in, and I have to act effusive to not offend the man.  Also, I feel like our chat has been a fake PR stunt for him to try and gain business from me all so he could have the opportunity to make his “move.”  

I was sitting with English gent getting coffee and this regular oldish man stopped to say his hello’s because we admired his dog.  He then went on to talk about his age (74—and he DID look good) and how he kept fit and active by walking.  We were about to say our good-byes, when I noticed “the move.”  OH NO!  Not from a 74 year old man!!!!  Yep, this guy was a portrait painter and had a card with one of his paintings he was quite proud of in full color on the front with his details on the back.  “Call me if you ever want your portraits done.”  I told English gent I feared he might be dead by the time we ever picked up the receiver.

I go to press events, and this is a fair place to exchange business cards.  I don’t have one, which is actually unfortunate because it would be rather useful to give someone my details to try and get more freelance work.  But, people tend to give me theirs and that’s a great and normal opportunity to do so.  But then I get the whackos at these parties who have zero reason to give me their card.  The paparazzi guy (when the hell am I going to need his services?)  The security guard at an event (ummm……if I ever become famous, maybe?)  The girl working the toilets at an event gave me her card, her long acrylic nails with a hoop through her pointer finger showing me her exact e-mail address where she could be reached if I ever wanted hair extensions (my hair was down and hangs mid-way down my back).  I mean EVERYONE has a business card.  In Los Angeles this must be the most lucrative business in town.

I had business cards when I worked in London and RARELY did I give them out.  Even if I had them on me and knew someone wanted one, I would pretend I didn’t and would just say call the main switchboard.  First of all, it had my mobile on it and I didn’t want PR’s calling me after hours.  Secondly, I don’t want to be that accessible.  Maybe if I was in sales, but truthfully, just ask for my information.  I know a business card is easier.  People don’t have pens yadda, yadda….but in the days of the Blackberry and iPhone’s it’s easy to punch in some numbers.

I think to some people a business card means you ARE somebody.  But to me, if you’ve got to show who you are, then you’re really are a nobody.  If you’re just handing them out to be cool, it’s stupid.  If you really are handing a card out after talking to someone for networking purposes, okay, well, that’s what they’re there for.  But please, if you are a personal trainer and start talking to me and we  are having a decent chat and then you just hand me your card out of the blue—I am gonna put it in the bin.  If you are a psychic and I am walking down the street and you walk up to me and tell me “I’m an old soul,” yeah, it’s going in the trash. 

Just remember, you don’t want to be the Christian Bale from “American Psycho.”  So whenever you are making that move to your pocket or wallet, think of this conversation…

 “[Looking at Paul Allen's business card]

Patrick Bateman: Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark!

David Van Patten: [re: business card] Good coloring.

Patrick Bateman: That’s ‘Bone’

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365