When you look at your reflection in your business card holder, I know you want to see a "killer" but not THIS kind of killer. Not a PSYCHO. You want to see a killer of a person. An ace of a guy or gal. Not someone's pain in the ass. Disperse them carefully. Don't become that person whose card lies at the bottom of a purse where in a year's time a woman, when cleaning it out says, "Who the hell is this?" and trashes it. Watermarks, embossing--it doesn't matter--choose wisely my friends. Choose wisely.

Dear Ethers,

I’ve noticed in Los Angeles that everyone hands you a business card.  They come in all shapes, sizes, finishes.  Do you remember the scene in “American Psycho” when Patrick Bateman freaks out because one of his peers has (hark!) a watermark on HIS business card making it FAR more superior than anyone else’s in the room?  Of course this was a farce on 80’s opulence and competition, but the joke is that it still exists in 2009. 

I’m handed business cards left and right.  I could be sitting at a café and a guy could be walking by.  He and I could be having a lovely chat and then I see him making the “move.”  I know the signal.  I simply asked his name.  Instead of just answering—no—he must “show me.”  His hand glides into his back pocket tugging at his wallet and he opens his billfold carefully plucking out a lustrous card proud and grinning.  I’m usually caught off guard because his profession is nothing I’m terribly interested in, and I have to act effusive to not offend the man.  Also, I feel like our chat has been a fake PR stunt for him to try and gain business from me all so he could have the opportunity to make his “move.”  

I was sitting with English gent getting coffee and this regular oldish man stopped to say his hello’s because we admired his dog.  He then went on to talk about his age (74—and he DID look good) and how he kept fit and active by walking.  We were about to say our good-byes, when I noticed “the move.”  OH NO!  Not from a 74 year old man!!!!  Yep, this guy was a portrait painter and had a card with one of his paintings he was quite proud of in full color on the front with his details on the back.  “Call me if you ever want your portraits done.”  I told English gent I feared he might be dead by the time we ever picked up the receiver.

I go to press events, and this is a fair place to exchange business cards.  I don’t have one, which is actually unfortunate because it would be rather useful to give someone my details to try and get more freelance work.  But, people tend to give me theirs and that’s a great and normal opportunity to do so.  But then I get the whackos at these parties who have zero reason to give me their card.  The paparazzi guy (when the hell am I going to need his services?)  The security guard at an event (ummm……if I ever become famous, maybe?)  The girl working the toilets at an event gave me her card, her long acrylic nails with a hoop through her pointer finger showing me her exact e-mail address where she could be reached if I ever wanted hair extensions (my hair was down and hangs mid-way down my back).  I mean EVERYONE has a business card.  In Los Angeles this must be the most lucrative business in town.

I had business cards when I worked in London and RARELY did I give them out.  Even if I had them on me and knew someone wanted one, I would pretend I didn’t and would just say call the main switchboard.  First of all, it had my mobile on it and I didn’t want PR’s calling me after hours.  Secondly, I don’t want to be that accessible.  Maybe if I was in sales, but truthfully, just ask for my information.  I know a business card is easier.  People don’t have pens yadda, yadda….but in the days of the Blackberry and iPhone’s it’s easy to punch in some numbers.

I think to some people a business card means you ARE somebody.  But to me, if you’ve got to show who you are, then you’re really are a nobody.  If you’re just handing them out to be cool, it’s stupid.  If you really are handing a card out after talking to someone for networking purposes, okay, well, that’s what they’re there for.  But please, if you are a personal trainer and start talking to me and we  are having a decent chat and then you just hand me your card out of the blue—I am gonna put it in the bin.  If you are a psychic and I am walking down the street and you walk up to me and tell me “I’m an old soul,” yeah, it’s going in the trash. 

Just remember, you don’t want to be the Christian Bale from “American Psycho.”  So whenever you are making that move to your pocket or wallet, think of this conversation…

 “[Looking at Paul Allen's business card]

Patrick Bateman: Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark!

David Van Patten: [re: business card] Good coloring.

Patrick Bateman: That’s ‘Bone’

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365

Dar Ether,

I’ve been going to events hosted by PR’s for a long time now and the color worn by the ladies of the night is always black.  I don’t know if any of you lovely PR girls will be reading this, but I’m sure you’ll agree that sometimes it’s hard to find something flattering and work-appropriate for an event.  You don’t want to out-dress your attendees, but you also don’t want to be mistaken for a waiter.  

I went to the lovely Calvin Klein website and was very surprised.  They’ve come along way since the 90’s where ghetto people were wearing oversized Calvin Klein knock-off T-shirts or you’d see CK jeans rotting in the racks of TJ Maxx.  Oh and do you remember the era of CK One?  I thought I’d never breathe fresh air again!  Truthfully, it’s happening with Thierry Mugler’s Angel, but I suppose every decade has its fragrance trend. The site wasn’t Mr. Klein’s runway collection.  It was his reasonably priced clothing that had amazing sales and truthfully, the full price goodies were fair given they were really on trend, the fabrics were top-notch and the cuts looked excellent.  There is a Calvin Klein in a mall near my house and simply from looking at this site I’m going, credit card in hand, and shopping!  

So, back to out PR princess.  She’s a tough cookie because she’s gotta handle high-level clients, keep her cool, look attractive, but also understated. She also needs to be classy.  She can’t stand out and experiment with trends.  So let’s pretend that this is an event for Calvin Klein.  She’s donning everything from his collection to be supportive and represent, so if anyone asks what she is wearing she can boast that it is indeed from Mr. Klein. The base color is black with the only other shades being golds, coppers and caramels.  The leopard print on the heel is the only bit of sass in the outfit, but it’s good.  It show she is stylish, has some funk and knows her fashion.  Okay, the doors are about to open.  Time to primp the outfit and make sure she looks as sleek as the label she’s representing.

The dress of the night! This basic black dress is very deceptive in its simplicity. It's bustier and criss cross straps give support allowing for her to not have to wear a bra. This eliminates unsightly straps and uncomfortable underwires so she can feel completely at ease to do her work. The cinched waist holds her in at the right spot to make her look her slimmest and the pockets are excellent for holding spare pens, blackberry; whatever she may need to throw in at the last second if she is without her purse. The dress is deceptively simple, but because the cut and tailoring are so well done, she looks elegant and well-presented. Criss Cross Bustier Dress, Originally $138 now $69, calvinklein.com

These are sexy and add a splash of fun to the all black attire. They have a severe heel, but the platform will allow ball of foot comfort. The straps and sling-back will keep the heel on tight so no slipping out of the shoe. It also shows you've got a bit of personality to your fashion sense even if you can't really show it at this event. The dress is on the shorter side, and these heels have height (4"!) so you're gonna have elongated legs which will make you stand out above the crowd giving you a good vantage point, but also allowing you to maybe get snagged by a hot celebrity because DAMN your legs will look AMAZING! Prive Leopard Print Pony Sandal, $118, calvinklein.com

Blackberry Check! Guest-list? Check! Perfume? Check! Mirror? Check! What else? That's the beauty of this bag. It can hold whatever you need and more! It's big, it's classy and though understated with its black leather and gold hardware, the C shaped design and handle make it architectural and sleek. It'll fit cozily under your arm ready to be unzipped and opened for whatever you need. It's in the bag, baby! C Link Crescent Hobo, $198, calvinklein.com

You're SO gonna need a watch, right? This goes perfectly with the ensemble. It's dressy, looks a bit like a bracelet so you don't have to worry that you are sans baubles, and most importantly it tells the bloody time. Truthfully, I'm not one for branded watches unless the name Rolex or Cartier comes into the mix (wink) but if you're representing the brand or need a reasonable evening watch, this one ain't too shabby. If you were to wear it with a bunch of really cool black enamel bracelets and gold bangles it could be gorgeous! Gold Lexington Watch, $255, calvinklein.com

I had to insert a fragrance in the mix! C'mon, it's Calvin Klein! I chose one of his less familiar names, though truthfully they are all sold at a Boots or a CVS pharmacy, right? As a little trail-off, I'm a fragrance fanatic and own a beyond belief amount from my beauty days. I have a special place in my heart for the art of perfume and hate mass produced ones like these. BUT, I do understand their necessity in the world, and that's why I am including this. I just feel if you wear a perfume, try and find one that's not worn by every Joe Schmo on the street. Really investigate and experiment to find "you" in a scent. Okay, I'll shut up. Basically, I chose this because of the bottle. I thought if Miss PR girl were to pull it out, it would match her outfit! It's also a sultry fragrance with top notes: plum, mace, rose de damas mid notes: egyptian jasmine, french orange flower, tuberose base notes: cashmere woods, burnt amber, madagascan vanilla, australian sandalwood. Really good for a night out and to mask any sweat building up from a stressed out evening! Secret Obsession, 3.4 oz EDP Originally $72 now $36, calvinklein.com

Now, sniffle, if you’ve noticed, there is NO poll! I have done this purposefully to punish you all!!!!! Jokes aside, no one was voting.  So I decided to try 1 “Wish List” without it to see if I would get any comments asking for it back.  If you want it, you got it.  But if you don’t miss it, I won’t bring it back from the dead.  Poor poll.  He’s the only guy I knew who actually wanted his buttons pushed

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365