Nov 15 2009

A Bloom From The Past: A Moment In The Courting Of English Gent & One Of 365

This is a gorgeous antique drawing from the 19th century of the Spathiphyllum otherwise known as The Peace Lily.  This common house plant, really resilient and tough to kill, always reminds me of one of the many fond memories of English gent before he became MY English gent.  I always make sure to always have this cheap and cheerful plant in ANY residence I occupy.

This gorgeous antique print from the 19th century is of the Spathiphyllum, otherwise known as The Peace Lily. A common house plant, it's quite resilient and tough to kill and constantly reminds me of one of the many fond memories of English gent before he became MY English gent. I make sure always to have this cheap and cheerful plant in ANY residence I occupy.

Dear Ether, 

I ran into him at the vegetable section at Sainsbury’s in New Cross Gate.  I was 21 years old and he was 19.  He was carrying one of those dainty ferns that have delicate, petal like leaves that sadly die unless you have a masterful green thumb.  He didn’t have a basket and was carrying too much in his arms.  His face was slight obstructed by the plant.  “You might want to try a Spathiphyllum instead.  They’re almost impossible to kill and they let you know when they’re desperate for a drink—their leaves totally droop and look depressed.”  He looked past the greenery to see who the voice was coming from and grinned when he saw me.  “Hiya.  I don’t know what the hell a Spathiphyllum is but if you know a plant with a fucking name like that, I better take your word for it and put this one back.”  He was so damned good-looking and that accent then was still so novel.  So classy!  I felt like I was chatting with someone Bertie Wooster might know. 

I was doing my midnight shopping as usual because I was a night owl and the store was dead.  I still found UK supermarkets a marvel.  They were so different than the large American ones and I loved strolling down the aisles and buying things I’d never heard of before to taste (though Mr. Brains Frozen Faggots never did make the tick-list).  English gent was wearing a very hip beanie covering his hair so I didn’t see his normally trendy blonde hair cut.  All I could see were his beautifully sculpted features and his dark eyebrows and lashes with his rare peridot green eyes.  I noticed he had a bottle of Jack Daniels as part of his shopping along with writing paper, some pens and oddly a prayer candle.  “What are you up to tonight?” I asked him nonchalantly.  I had been hanging out with him along with a few of my flatmates recently.  He went to boarding school with one of the guys I was living with and was particularly friendly with him and came over to our halls a lot.  The three of us often stayed up talking, drinking, smoking weed and listening to chill music.  I only bothered with this banter because of him.  I felt when we argued over a political point or some other runaway discussion there was some sort of sexual tension.  But then he would just act as mates when we would run into each other.  

“Tonight.  Fuck me.  I have a paper to write.  The whiskey always inspires me,” he chuckled. “And is the prayer candle lit to give you a hope from god to help you finish the thing?” I asked.  He laughed.  “No, I love to write poetry by candlelight and these last forever.” He writes poetry too….oh man……! “Well, I’m not up to anything, so if you finish your paper and you wanna pop on over when you’re done it’d be cool to hang out.”  He nodded his head negatively. “This one is gonna be an all nighter.  But thanks anyway.  I better get that plant—the—Spatha—that whatever you recommended and get going.  Cheers!”  I was gutted.  I just didn’t get it.  I guess he knew I liked him and wasn’t interested.  I meandered around Sainsbury’s a bit more, no longer keen on the novelty of the place and saw him, well, the tall leaves of his plant, in the check-out line, and watched him go.  Sauntering home with, I think that night, Marmite flavored crisps (a nasty surprise) I was bored stiff and cozied up with a book and passed out.  But at 2:30am my mobile rang.  It was English gent.  I was excited, but had to sound calm and cool.  “Hey, what’s up?  How’s your work going?”  He sounded relaxed and relieved.  “I’m done, actually and have a full bottle of whiskey and not a friend in the world tonight.  Mind if I come over?”  MIND?  Of course not!  But, as we Americans say, this was NOT going to be a “booty call.” 

I feverishly threw on something cute, but not trying “too hard cute,” stashed away my candy wrappers and waited with my heart in my chest.  He didn’t knock–he just texted saying he was about to come in the flat.  I jolted up from my bed, opened the door and there he stood.  Diesel jeans (perfect cut), vintage top with a fantastic toggle coat, chic boots (rugged and manly, yet still on trend) the bottle of booze and that damned dashing grin.  Two kisses on each cheek he was in the door, 3 hours later we were drunk, and an hour later I was ready to pass out.  “Can I sleep here tonight?  I can’t be asked to head back to my flat.” Okay.  Remember. NO BOOTY CALL.  SINGLE BED.  SO…WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?  “Sure, do you mind sleeping on the floor, I have a spare duvet and a pillow—it’ll be padded and comfy.”  He looked taken aback, but not too shocked.  I think he thought I was going to invite him to sleep with me.  

By the time I came back from the bathroom where I changed and brushed my teeth, he was passed out.  He was like one of my English novelties I had brought back from the supermarket.  Except I hadn’t tried him—yet.  No, this one I was going to savor, because I didn’t know if it had a day old expiry date.  I stared at him.  His lashes spread out like fans almost touching his cheeks, a slight squint as if he was thinking in a dream, his lips slightly parted blowing air out making a feather from the duvet flicker.  I knew he couldn’t hear me.  He was way too drunk and way too deep in sleep.  So I whispered, “I think I love you.  And I have a feeling we’re going to be together.  You’ll see.  When I want something and I try hard enough, I get it.”  Oh if only the two of us knew how right I was to be that night.  

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365


Jul 28 2009

Bachelor One of 365–The Dating Service Entry For My AMAZING Brother!

 

This is Master One of 365--AKA my older Brother.  A lovely, caring A+ guy who has been looking for a girl to share his future with and is just unable to find love in this lonesome town.  This entry is dedicated to him.  By the way, he

This is Master One of 365--AKA my older Brother. A lovely, caring A+ guy who has been looking for a girl to share his future with and is just unable to find love in this lonesome town. This entry is dedicated to him. By the way, he'd kill me if he ever found out about this, so let's pray he never sees this post. He DOES NOT know I have a blog--oh man--can you imagine if he found out? Anyway, I did block his face--but he does sort of have a JFK Jr. vibe about him, no? Aww, maybe I have blinders because he is my brother and I adore him. Anyway, read on....you'll see why I think this guy emerging from the sea is a helluva catch. PS: The writing across his face is supposed to say: "Bachelor One Of 365" in case you were wondering---the pic was just too small for the letters to show through.

Dear Ether,

My lovely, attractive, lawyer sibling Maestro One of 365 has been dating forever!  He simply cannot find the right girl.  He’s 31, has a decent job, is absolutely BRILLIANT (the guy is a veritable encyclopedia), has perfect manners and speaks fluent Japanese.  He has all of his hair (thick, lovely black hair) BUT does not have crazy amounts of chest hair or ANY back hair.  He also has lovely warm brown eyes, good skin and excellent pecs! 

I’ll be honest with you with his shortcomings—look is anyone perfect?: 

1. He does drive a 12-year old car (a black Camaro that looks like it is brand new).  He doesn’t drive the car due to lack of funds, but because it runs beautifully since he’s taken such good care of it and he thinks it would be foolish to waste money on a new one when he has a great set of wheels now.  See, a very good guy who knows how to handle his finances!

2. He doesn’t earn a boatload of money (but, good enough) because, though he is a lawyer, he works for a dot.com and does legal work for them as well as internet-based stuff so he isn’t making 6 figures in a big name firm.  He really wants to be a screenwriter, or a TV writer (and writes BEAUTIFULLY) but can’t seem to break in yet—but give him time  and he’ll get there.

3. He’s a little on the short side—he’s a bit over 5’9.

4. He’s incredibly fastidious (good for some, I suppose, but as you can imagine for me, a real bummer, read: http://bit.ly/i50Eb). 

5. He LOVES computer games and all that Playstation shit. 

Okay.  But let’s go back to why he is SO fab.  He is extremely well read, kind, has a great nose, full Angelina Jolie like-lips, a lovely body (yikes, this is my brother we’re talking about…), a deep soul, a generous nature, a love of history and art, music, he’s well-travelled, and has a really loyal heart. So, ladies, what’s the deal?  Why are you all going for Mr. Wrong!?!?!

Squire One of 365 goes out on all of these dates (he’s been doing the internet craziness recently) and they either lie about what they look like (they submit photos of themselves 5 years ago when they weren’t 20lbs overweight or they submit a picture a la Photoshop) or they are really money grubbing and superficial.  AND, some of them have STD’s.  What sucks is that if my brother does like one of them, they don’t tell him right away—and then boom—they drop the bomb and he is gutted because hey, no matter what, herpes sucks.  

Look, I know I’m biased, but my brother is a swell sorta fella.  A really ace bloke.  Like I have my English gent, I wish he had his English rose (or Japanese flower…he loves Asian women) and I’m worried about him.  He’s 31, lonely and really wants to start a real relationship and feels so defeated.  I don’t know what to do—I don’t know anyone to introduce him to, and these websites seem sketchy.  He’s such a gentleman too.  He always picks up the tab (none of this going “Dutch” stuff we modern women insist on–though don’t take advantage of him!) and isn’t gross like the sweaty dude at the club where he is a drunken mess and starts grinding on you.  Is that what it will take, though, for him to get a date?  Do the frat boys win?  Do good guys ever prevail? 

So, Ethers who live in Los Angeles, who want a really great guy and are single, contact me.  I’ll send you a photo—you send me a photo and a bio and maybe we can make a hook-up.  How fun—a One of 365 dating service for my big bro!  By the way, let me re-iterate, he has no idea I have a blog and he’d kill me if he knew I was doing this, so we’d have to hatch a plan.  But, we’ll figure it out when it comes to it.  

So, if you like dining (especially Asian cuisine), great films, maybe a bit of karaoke, love pop culture, are funny, not money grubbing, bright, like to read, are non-religious, not over 5’7, slim (I know—but he likes em’ trim), don’t smoke, don’t have kids (hey, nothing against little-ones, I just don’t think he’s ready for that kind of responsibility…) and are a really nice person sans STD’s please—would you drop me an e-mail.  Oh, yeah and you have to live in the greater Los Angeles area.  Oh, a few more LITTLE requests: can you love fashion and beauty and ADORE my blog? (of course, that’s just MY criteria;)). 

Awwwwww………to my future Mrs. One of 365! I know you are out there in the ether—–oh, and feel free to ask me a slew of questions.  I am ready and willing to be of any assistance!

Dedicatedly yours, 

—One of 365 

PS: Please, no mail-order brides! This is a dating service, not a Green Card opportunity! I’m only kidding (sort of….you know who you are……….).