Yeah. This was a repeated nightmare for me every time I went to sleep at night and had a temp gig the next day. I thought I was going to be throttled by my boss. I was the PA from hell and all I could say was "Fuck!"

Dear Ether,

“Errrrm, can you repeat that for me again?”  I think I must have said that at least 15 times a day when I answered the phone. I was working as a temp for a very important VP for a marketing firm in London.  I had enough trouble pronouncing HIS surname (and was too afraid to ask him for the 100^th time to correct me) and felt like I should be wearing the tallest dunce cap in the building.

I began temping while I was writing my dissertation for my Master’s.  I didn’t need to travel into Uni any longer so I was able to work during the day and write at night.  PA work paid the best and because of my typing speed and my “lovely disposition” I was the perfect candidate for the gig.  The only problem was I stank at it.

I couldn’t make coffee (instant included) for the life of me.  My hand trembled so much when I presented the java to the folks in meetings there was more of the stuff on the saucers than there was in their cups.  And tea!  Forget it!  I would always turn crimson with an apology saying that we Yanks were rubbish at making the stuff and beware of the hemlock that was to come.  I couldn’t figure out the phone systems and would disconnect people—like the CEO.  I couldn’t even get tasks like photocopying right.  The damned thing would always jam when I tried to use it and it would take me 20 minutes to make one Xerox which I’m sure made my boss wonder where the hell I’d been.  Oh, and forget ever booking a meeting room correctly.  Ha!  If you wanted Room A, you’d always get Room B at the wrong time and in the year 2013.  And as I wrote above, not only could I never understand anyone on the phone, I was so flustered to get their name correct, I often forgot to take down their details.  I was the temp from hell.  Every Friday I would, with a huge lump in my throat, go into the office of whomever I was working for, and ask them to sign my timesheet.  I knew I didn’t deserve the cash—except that I had shown up on time and sat there for 8 hours.  I caused far more calamity than I did calm.

One time a gentleman called and I asked his name.  Forgive my spelling (I’ll do my best) but he said, “Rude Wank.”  I couldn’t believe it.  There was silence on the phone.  How was I going to tell my boss that a guy named Rude Wank needed to chat with him? I was so worried that I got the name wrong AGAIN and was going to go in there and make a fool of myself that I was almost inclined to forget about the message, but Mr. Wank said it was urgent.  This was the piest de la resistance.  I knew that fucking this up would be my utter downfall.  I walked into his office, and bless him, the poor bloke never gave me a hideous glare (though he was pleased to hear that I didn’t intend on making a career out of being a PA) and being the immature idiot that I was, entered like a bumbling schmuck.  “Uhh…yeah..I….ummm…just got…errr….this call….oh man……Rude Wank…..he said it was urgent.”  “Who called?” he asked.  Fuck me….I knew that was it.  I was going to back out of the room like he was Elizabeth the 1^st and I was a fucking servant and then run like the wind.  “Uh, Rude.  Rude WANK.”  “Blimey.  Okay.  That’s an interesting…well anyway. Thank you.”  It turned out that was a common Dutch name and I’d actually gotten the bloody name right, but jesus, pit stains were never heavier than that day.

The more skills you claimed to have, the more dosh you got.  So, of course I claimed to have many more abilities than I indeed had training in (hey, rent needed to be paid) so I claimed I was a master at Powerpoint, and excelled in, well, Excel!  BIG mistake.  I was called in for a PA gig where my main job was to work with dreaded Excel spreadsheets.  I thought I was computer savvy and could hack it.  Oh my god.  Have you ever tried Excel without testing yourself on it first?  That software is the DEVIL!  I ended up going to IT, begging for mercy about 6 times during the day, buying a lovely woman lunch, and having her do my work for me.  I called my agency that afternoon and told them I was coming down with a cold and couldn’t complete the rest of the week.

But, because none of these polite gents ever complained, I kept getting work!!!!! I couldn’t believe it.  But then D-day happened.  I was sent to a very high-end advertising agency.  I was to be there 2 days.  My job was to help the guy type, type, type.  I was given a hand over for all the typing(ironically with a girl with a missing digit) and she was lovely, but I smelled bad news immediately.  The guy was head of the joint, mean as hell and I was shitting my pants.  The irony of this temp job was that I actually could do it!  Typing was my forte.  But he was scary and mean.  Nothing I did was good enough.  Mr. X was a rotund man with a face that was beet red and he looked liked he was going to keel over from a heart-attack any minute.  His office had a large easel with a beautiful oversized coffee table book of designs that probably cost a fortune.  He also had a very precarious stack of art books that were at least as tall as me (I’m 5’6).  Shaking in my boots, he asked me to come in and put the books away.  They “bothered” him.  Easy right?  I was so scared with him being in the room watching me with his swollen, beady eyes. I took 2 books from the pile, but the balance must have altered and they came crashing down.  FUCK!   There had been a tea and coffee cart there from a previous meeting.  They hit that and it caused the beverages to become like a waterfall in the air landing on his precious book on the easel.  Did I mention his desk looked like Armageddon had come?  His computer was knocked off, his keyboard dangled on its side.  The red laser of his mouse kept flickering for mercy as it swung back and forth like a pendulum.  His tea was all over his desk calendar and paperwork and his trousers were soaked.  This all happened within 1 minute.  I didn’t know what to do.  I kept repeating the words “sorry” and “oh my god,” but he was silent.  And I knew like deadly Vesuvius, silence was going to turn into a violent eruption…and it did.  He screamed bloody murder.  After verbally abusing me for a good two minutes at the top of his lungs, two gentleman from offices next to his came to escort me out.  They told me to go home.  I tried explaining to my agency.  They quietly listened (it really wasn’t my fault!) and told me they’d be in touch.  I never heard from them again.  Truthfully, I could have sought out other recruitment offices to hire me (they are a dime a dozen in London).  But I was SO done with being a PA.  It was hard, not rewarding and I really was horrible at it.

It’s funny.  I’m excellent at very difficult tasks.  Writing under hideous deadlines.  Making a shoot work in impossible situations.  Working with PR’s to get that one of a kind Gucci dress that Vogue wants but I sweet talk them into lending to me.  And if you need to get an interview with a celeb that won’t talk—they are butter in my hands.  But, send me to fax something and I am dumb as rocks.

As I got more advanced in my career, I ended up with a lovely assistant and also girls who I oversaw who answered to me.  I made sure to be beyond kind, patient and to never forget my years as a PA.  That and being a waitress I reckon, are two of the hardest jobs out there (well, besides hard labor).  Being someone else’s brain/Blackberry.  Whoa.  So this is an ode to all of you assistant’s out in the ether.  The ones with the pictures on cork boards and plants on your desks to give something to call your own.  I hear you.  I really do.  And to bosses out there—be more forgiving.  The job may seem easy because they are sweating bullets to make it appear seamless.  But it is an unbelievable undertaking.  Give a holiday bonus.  Give them a gift here and there.  And just say well done every so often.  And if you ever get a temp who stinks like me, pay em’ off for the week and send them home.  You’re better off.  Unless you like having stained trousers, fucked up E-mails and reservations a Cicconi’s in Los Angeles instead of London (LOL!).

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365

Dear Ethers,

So, I found this really groovy store on La Cienega in West Hollywood en route to my gym which is on Sunset.  It’s the most amazing little place. Stationed between a car wash and a crummy parking lot, it’s the sleekest little boutique with a white awning.  Written in the coolest black lettering simply states the name Opening Ceremony.  I’d driven by a few times and wondered what this place was all about.  Was it a club, a restaurant?  The LAST thing I expected for it to be was the most unique clothing store I’d been to in Los Angeles thus far.  Opening Ceremony carries everything from their own label (which is very Euro-vintage) and Topshop to Acne Jeans and bonkers labels you’ve never heard of.  I was thrilled when I walked into their groovy labyrinth where their very attractive and well-dressed staff point you in all directions so you can get lost in this candy shop of clothing, shoes, accessories and more.  I was thrilled to see a whole rack of Topshop, though it was mainly the Kate Moss collection.  It was ridiculously expensive (Londoners, if you thought you paid through the roof for the scraggle-toothed waifs creations, try buying a tank-top for $100 where they even have the chutzaph to leave the UK tag on that says 25 quid. Um. No.)  So, even though I couldn’t afford a single thing in this hot-house for hipsters, I thought if they had a website it would be great to share their wonderful world with you.  So I was thrilled when I Googled the shop and found out they did indeed sell online.  Their collection is SO much more limited on their website then what they have to offer in store, but you still get the groove factor from the cool graphics, off-beat models and unique clothing selections.  If you’re looking for a brand that nobody else is really going to be sporting, or a label that is uber cool that you’d see the likes of Sienna Miller wearing, than you’ve hit the right spot.  Opening Ceremony likes to show that they don’t carry the regular stuff that your local mall does–but truthfully you’ll have to pay.  The stuff ain’t cheap, even on sale.  

The “Wish List” look this week is all about travel and getting upgraded to First Class when you’re flying.  Why shell out the big bucks on a plane seat when you could spend it on an outfit you’ll wear for ages!  Even if you spend 24 grueling hours flying, the amount of money you spent on a First Class ticket could buy you a runway look that will make you the envy of all your friends and may even get you snapped by “The Satorialist.”  I could have chosen a wack-a-doodle outfit from Opening Ceremony (and trust me, if you visit their shop or site, you can see nutty stuff.  Chloe Sevigny has her own label there, just to give you some idea!) but I wanted to pick something that was unique, still wearable, and that would be comfy to fly in. And when you nonchalantly ask the narrow-eyed flight attendant about being upgraded, she’ll take one look at you and say to herself, “yep, this girl is used to high-flyin’ style.” The only thing that it’ll cost you is the price of an economy class seat and some killer clothes from this choice selection. So, get out your passport, dust off your luggage and get your doctor to prescribe you some sleeping pills because honey, you are about to see some duds that will get you an oversized leather seat, champagne and rid you of that screaming kid who keeps peering over his chair making crazy eyes at you (don’t you hate that!).

I love this jacket because it sort of has that fencing coat feel, but also an old-fashioned bodice look to it too. I adore the darting. The lines will hug your body and show off your figure in all of the right places. The arms are cut long so they will give the appearance of elongating your limbs. The front zip is handy, making the jacket easy to take on and off. This is perfect for when you fly (the temperatures in those planes are so unpredictable!). The material is also great. A mix of cotton and rayon, this lovely jacket won't wrinkle too badly so you'll leave the plane as crisp as you entered it. G. V. G. V. Arch Braid Zip-Up Jacket In Beige, Originally $1,025 now $513, openingceremony.com

You're going to be in the clouds anyway so why not represent the mood of the flight? The attendants will appreciate YOUR appreciation for their jobs (okay, maybe I'm taking this a bit too far) but it is a cute thought, no? I just loved how light and airy this top was. It looked like a watercolor painting and I loved how the fluffiness of the blouse mimicked the fluffiness of the clouds. It's actually hand printed in Japan, and I reckon just a lovely summertime top. It think it will layer nicely under the cotton jacket because the fabric is so thin (the jacket really needs to not have anything too bulky underneath as it is so snug, it fits like a top in its own right). Made of silk and cotton, you'll be breathing fresher air in this ethereal piece of cloth in the front of the cabin then in the back, that's for sure. Wakana Koike Fluffy Cloud Blouse, $300, openingceremony.com

Don't these just look comfortable? The loose tied waist? The wide legs? The linen and cotton blend? The chilled out Japanese-inspired cut? You know they'll just sit well on you, be a great fit and won't make you sweat bullets in the summer heat but protect you from the sun. I think the cloud blouse would look lovely tucked into the trousers showing off the tied waist and I like the idea of the natural looking jacket and pants matching together to make a really "green" look. And if you spill champagne on these compliments of First Class, I bet you it won't even show! United Bamboo Baggy Pants, Originally $405 now $122, openingceremony.com

I really like these because they tie the whole outfit together in a glamorous way without being too "bling" but show you have style and know your fashion. They are architecturally very interesting with the layering of the suede. The heel is almost like a bamboo reed, and they just look comfortable. They work with the whole organic look of the outfit. It's like you aren't trying too hard, but you're letting people know you've got style. That's what the flight attendant's will pick up about you. That you aren't pushy, but you know what you want and you get it. They'll see you "own it" and they'll wanna give it to you. High-heels=high-flying. Hussein Chalayan Flap Boot, Originally $849 now $249, openingceremony.com

If you want to "bag the deal" you can't be schleping around a beaten up purse that says "there is a hole in the lining of this baby that has about $3 worth of parking meter change in it that I can pull out if I turn it upside down." You need to look like you're carrying important things in an important case. This will hold all of your key documents and even a small laptop. It goes beautifully with the colors of your outfit and is crisp and clean for summer. Want Les Essentials De La Vie Bag, $625, openingceremony.com

Any hot-mama traveller sports major shades. Even if it's nighttime. Crazy. I know. That's why these babies are good, because the tint isn't too dark so you won't look totally nuts if you have a evening flight. These vintage inspired sunnies are wonderful with the whole bohemian-sleek look of your outfit and just add that finishing touch to make you look polished. If you've had a rough night, they won't be able to see it in your face (these are HUGE) and if it comes to a stare down for that upgrade, you're hiding behind lenses and they're not. Who do YOU think is gonna win? Linda Farrow Vintage For Charles Anastase Sunglasses ca1-c6, $275, openingceremony.com

Say hello to YOUR little friend! At a mere 3,000 pounds sterling this Matriochka Russian Enamel Bracelet Bag is the beginning of the Russian Revolution hitting the runways this fall. If you wanna be hip to the catch, you better bring out Babushka's old scarves because at these prices, we're talking a Faberege lifestyle and in this recession, it ain't gonna happen (at least this for this 3 digit lady). But one way you CAN emulate the look is through your beauty wardrobe. I'm reporting on the latest beauty trend: The Cold War Russian With Money! And you don't have to spend a ton of rubles to look like a million rubles! Ahhh if Gorbachev could see me now....too bad he's lugging around all that LV luggage (what was up with that ad?!)

Dear Ether, 

I’ve been checking out the beauty trends coming up for this fall.  It looks like it’s going to be Cold War Russia, but this time these Soviets are gonna be able to show off what they’ve got without having to worry about being turned into the authorities for digging Western culture and its riches.  Chanel is even dedicating their collection to the land of borscht this season!

It’s about being over the top with big hair (we’re talking mousse making a comeback and hairspray becoming a staple of your beauty wardrobe—screw the ozone)—the higher the coif the closer to heaven!  And eyes, eyes, eyes!  Smudges of kohl all the way to your temples and colors that you didn’t even know were possible to create in shadow form going all the way up in 3 tone layers to your brow bone.  And if it glitters girl, pile it on, because if you shine you are on trend.  And remember how frosted lips were something out of a Bret Easton Ellis novel?  No more!  Marc Jacobs was showing pastels with a pearlized frost that would make you wish you hadn’t thrown out all of those Wet N’ Wild tubes you thought were make-up corpses. And the paler the skin the better the canvas to highlight the hues on your face.  Would you wear this look to the market?  No.  Would you even wear this look to a dinner party?  Again, probably not.  This is definitely a runway look that is for younger folks wanting to make a statement at a nightclub or major event.  I don’t even see film stars emulating this—though they may exaggerate smoky eyes and play with color a bit more. 

Wowza! She's got it all. The pale skin, the kohl eyes, the 80's blusher, the multi-color shadow tiers all the way up to the brow-bone. And the hair. Not only has she re-worked the chignon, but also the quiff in the front. This girl better not stand too close to anything flammable because that coif will go up in flames in 2 seconds with all of that hairspray infused in it. But, she is a PRIME example of our 80's Russian girl working it!

This is directly from the Marc Jacobs show. Notice the frosted lips, the really heavily shaded eyes and the lilac, luminized cheeks. Everything is so exaggerated, including her hair. The skin is so pale, so that the eyes are really the attention grabber. Her hair almost looks like it's been dyed gray because of all of the product that's been sprayed in it. Super drama. Major 80's. If you'd wanna copy this look it is workable. Just take away the wing part at the brow bone and keep the shadowing on the lid and under the eye. For more eye drama, try fake black lashes, or pile on the mascara. Keep the skin pale, but instead of using a lilac shade of blush, go for a pinker color and use a luminizer that is less pearlized and more glowing. With the lips add a buttery gloss. You'll get a great effect, but not so icy and dramatic.

Besides the bonkers hair, I actually think this is the most realistic makeup from the runway. The make-up is by Nars. It is really "done" of course, but it isn't totally impossible to wear. I think the double cat eye kohl is really a cute idea and I like the color hues that have been chosen. She doesn't look so severe and deathly pale. I wouldn't go for the pinkish shadow OVER the eyebrow (yikes) but I do like what's happening with the profile. Is this an everyday look--again--no, but I think if you are trying to make a statement and want to capture the runway, this is the most feasible. Again, sans the hair.

Great brands that have color palettes that would really rock it hard would be Mac, Shu Uemura and Nars.  These guys are always on the cutting edge of color and you won’t have to worry about losing out in terms of choices.  Mac Pigments are my favorite.  They are shimmery and come in fab colors so you get the best of both worlds.  Just make sure to blow on the brush once you’ve dipped it in the pigment—a little goes a long way and the dust falls easily on your face.  A fan brush is a good solution if you DO get pigment spillage on cheeks or under eyes.  Try pigments “Golden Olive” mixed with “Deep Blue Green” if you have brown eyes.  This color combo will be slightly “out there” but still classy enough to not look too bonkers.  I also always advocate as a kohl liner Mac “Smolder.”  I have been using it for years and never deviate.  It is the best in terms of smudge-ability and it lasts the night.  It’s also a deep black so it will act as the perfect frame for your color canvas.  If you really want to go wild, try the Shu Uemura false eyelash route.    In their Tokyo Lash Bar 2009 they have a pair called “Marine Tide” that are supposed to emulate a wave from the sea and they are the most amazing shades of blue and white.  They also have a wonderful bend and curl making them even more striking.  Imagine that with deep, smoky black eyes—major statement!  But check out their other options at http://bit.ly/waZDy and pick from dozens of spectacular works of art to make your own decision about how you want to play it up.  

I’ve always been a color girl.  I’ve been using pigments since their inception and love playing with layers of shading.  I’m a believer of the statement eye.  Many people believe in a clean, classic look with a taupe shadow, bronzer/blusher, mascara, and a lovely tinted gloss.  That’s just not me.  I think you can get the same classy look with a lot more funk.  So, I’m really psyched that in the dreary season ahead color is embraced.  But, as always, runway looks are exaggerated.  Take these ideas and play around.  The best way to gage how make-up is being worked from the runway to the “real-way” is by watching the celebs as I mentioned earlier.  A-lister make-up artists know how to strike the balance and will guide you to making the trend normal and glamorous without looking like Zsa Zsa Gabor!  Who knew the Kremlin would be so influential this season? 

Nostrovia!

Look how colorful the Kremlin is! I wonder if this is where the designers and the make-up artists got their palette inspirations from. Those wonderful onion turrets are so fantastic, and so on trend! The Kremlin is, like, so HOT, right now!

Dedicatedly yours, 

—One of 365