Ahh the yin and yang of life, people, Hollywood. But I always find the truth behind the real backwards and forwards--the stability of ones soul REALLY is the cliche. It's all in the eyes. The clearest can cloud over and cut you. It's been a long time since I've looked anyone in the eye and seen total clarity. Shame. I really miss that connection. Dark or light, what those lashes behold can't fool me anymore. Help me believe again Ethers. Please.

Dear Ethers,

Forgive me for the late post.  I was up until 5am last night covering a lovely event and it was an all day shin-dig that took all of the energy out of me.  I DID sleep, but I’ve just now stopped working.  

Last night was the first night I actually felt an affinity for anyone in Los Angeles.  I met some wonderfully talented people who were in the industry but not pretentious or stuck-up or any of the other stereo-types you might expect from shows like “Entourage” or even “Sex and the City.”  These were really hard-working people who made it happen for themselves and were intelligent and engaging.  I was shocked.  Some of them were celebrities, some of them behind the scenes folks, but it was so refreshing to see the flip-side of Hollywood and not the people who arrived through nepotism or the Paris Hilton’s of the world.  

I spoke to an Emmy award winning writer who did a documentary on Autism.  What a brilliant woman.  I spoke to the daughter of a VERY famous singer who was so down to earth and very intelligent.  And for being so young and so rich (and could have gone the way of Ms. Ritchie or Hilton) she was humble, interesting and knew the value of hard-work and earning a living.  We were talking about expensive purchases and she told me that she saves up for a whole year and only splurges on one thing and treasures it.  Trust me, this girl could live a lot larger.  Did I mention she was also extremely beautiful?  And you know what?  When I asked about her visage–she turned crimson and said she never even thought about it—–that what mattered to her was finishing her degree and acting.  I hope her career soars.  

It is so yin and yang in this city.  Last night reminded me of what I grew up with–a generation I thought had died out with men like my father.  Men who came to this city with a dog-eared script and dreams.  Men (and women) with talent and hope from humble backgrounds who loved the art of writing or performing and were grateful every day for what they had.  I wish I could go into detail about last night.  I can tell you that it was a balmy evening. That champagne flowed, a DJ played great music and it was luxury all the way.  I can also tell you that I got to take English gent with me to the after party for this event and I really enjoyed having him there and seeing him experience a Hollywood moment with good people.  And, of course, he ended up speaking to all the ex-pats there!  But, alas, I was really happy that he was with me.  I couldn’t stay with him for long–I had to schmooze–I was on the clock—but knowing he was there to experience something new and that we were actually living outside of our confined box made me feel happy.  That we could get a little dressed up and have a destination.  It reminded me of London and our days of talking to people and being able to smoke freely (I know, I know…)   For you fashionistas who like my blog, you’d be very proud.  My photo was taken for an L.A. mag as being the best dressed at the party!  Yep—now, that’s pretty cool given it was a high-end fashion event.  See, I might fuck up sometimes on “Fashion Fridays” or my “Wish Lists” but when someone snaps their fingers and says, “Get snazzy” I’m there with the best of them  

But in all seriousness, I’ve lost a lot of faith in people.  I know, it’s very sad.  You hope nights like the one I am describing will repeat themselves—but the shame is they are so rare.  You’d be proud of me Ethers.  I really tried to soak it up–because I knew this was a rare gem.  I want to believe in the world.  In people.  In the goodness of humanity.  But, I’ve had to lick my wounds so often I’m afraid to expose myself. 

Ethers, thank-you for starting to make me believe that there are decent folks in the world.  This is part of the journey of One of 365.  But, I cannot see you or touch you or hear you.  I need to look someone in the eye and see a warmness.  An intelligence.  A gentleness.  A realness.  THAT is going to take a long time because I’ve seen many eyes clear with kindness glaze over with gross ugliness in a flash before……and it is scary.  

Be good……..and I’ll be seeing you for “Fashion Fridays” tomorrow.

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365

"I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!" -Sally Field accepting her Oscar in 1985 Best Actress for "Places in the Heart."

Dear Ethers,

You all know that my greatest feeling is when I get love and feedback from you Ethers out there.  So when I get love from my peers in the blogosphere it really is a crowning achievement for me. Ms. Looking Fab In Your Forties  has bestowed this award so kindly upon me and I’m really grateful because she is not just a fellow blogger (and a brilliant one at that) but has become a friend in the wily world that is the blogosphere. She really couldn’t have done me prouder, and I accept this award thankfully because I respect her so much as a writer, a woman and a pal.

So evidently there are some very strict rules that come with this award (and I will gladly agree to abide, Academy).  

They are as follow:

1) Brag about it.
2) Choose seven blogs to receive the award & link to them.
3) List ten honest things about myself.

Well, I’ve done the bragging bit and since you didn’t see me jumping up and down in my underpants when I first got word, I think I’ve done enough of that! So part one, check!

My 7 top-notch blogs (in no particular order) are:

Looking Fab In Your Forties (It’s true.  I can’t deny it.  Even though she awarded it to me I still think she is a top-dog in the game and deserves the award right back at her.  She is the Mom I’d want to be and the woman I’d like to become as sophisticated as one day.  Oh and since she is leaving me her Gina’s and her Santos in her will, I better be awfully nice to her!)

Broken Postcard (This wonderful guy is a soulful blogger that has such an unusual site that is filled with spectacular philosophy, poetry, art and thoughts that you feel like you are visiting an artists salon when you go to his sphere.  A truly spectacular, unusual and inspirational blog.  I cannot believe how multi-talented you are with your artistic abilities and your thoughts which are so clever and deep.   I wonder if you are an old soul trapped in a young man’s body.  I adore you Mr. Crockett.)

Mrs.Trefusis Takes A Taxi (Ahhh Mrs. T! My first friend and guide in the blog world. You took me under your wing and have inspired me with your wit and wisdom ever since.  I adore your witty banter, your class and your good soul.  Your site never is anything but intelligent and quick–just like you.  Thank you for being my beacon in this nutty universe X.)

Helena Halme (A woman who understands the trials and tribulations of love of the English gent and the discovery and adaptation of two whole new  worlds–England and the blogosphere—we have so much in common.  Your blog tells your heart beautifully and you deserve to be read.)

Life The Universe And All Thats In It (Oh Ruth! What a woman! You are everything a gal should be and more. I met you by chance and I am so lucky.  Who knew that a glam lady from Wales and a little set of numbers from Los Angeles would become such fast friends?  You are always so sassy, upbeat, warm, embracing, supportive and your blog reflects your lust for life and your beautiful personality.  You also nominated me, and I feel so lucky. Really, you deserve to be a success in your writing and in any endeavor that you seek out.  To me, you embody beauty inside and out.  You remind me to try and remember the important things in life.)

Let’s Talk About Me (Okay Max.  You bonkers nutter! You are the funniest man on Twitter.  You also write a hilarious blog that reflects your wonderful sense of humor but also your excellent perception of the world and life around you.  I adore your spam fighting and your delightful conversation.  I think you are a diamond in the rough and I feel so lucky to have found you and to have met your acquaintance.  I look to you for a laugh, a smile and a good time.  What more can you ask for from a blog or a buddy?  I know we just started our friendship, but I hope it lasts a long time. Too bad your married, I still have that nice Jewish girl who can cook and knows her SEO for you in Golders Green…the offer still stands.  Lewisham buddies forever! X)

Beauty Editor.ca (This is to my lovely beauty girl Michelle who is out there fighting the beauty fight in another part of North America and doing it damned well.  Her site is beautiful, her writing is excellent and she is a hard-working, no BS Beauty writer who knows her lipsticks from her glosses.  She’ll happily help you with any beauty questions you need (if her site doesn’t already provide the answer).  She’s also a fellow Touche Eclat leper (that’s how we became fast friends) and it’s always great to have a buddy in the biz who is kind and sweet with a good heart and is going through a lot of what you are dealing with work-wise.  I hope nothing but the best for her blog and my hope is to one day meet my fellow foundation friend and talk shop over lattes (skim milk only!) and the death of the biz and maybe collaborating on a dot.com mag where we make billions! Mwah-hahahahaha! X)

And now 10 honest things about me (are you sure?):

1. I have a horrible fear of people who sweat too much.  Especially bald men.  Dripping sweat makes me the most nauseous.  I once was on a plane and was sitting in a 2 seat situation next to a corpulent man who was bald, hot and bothered.  I slowly watched as long beads of sweat started to drizzle down from his head onto the lapel of his sport coat making a plopping sound and leaving darkened dots on his jacket.  I almost threw up, and begged the flight attendant for a new seat (it was a long haul journey and I was gonna be using the barf bags the whole way otherwise).  I can hack it at a distance, like at the gym, but if I see you with it dripping, and the drip is hanging there, I feel sick!

2. I am terrified of commitment of any sort.  It can be anything as serious as marriage and kids to a pair of jeans in a store.  I find decision making beyond difficult and I ruminate for hours, sometimes days if I walked away from a shop and didn’t buy something I should have and then call the next day and find out it is gone.  Years can go buy and I can still imagine what THOSE jeans would have been perfect with if only I hadn’t been a fool that day and walked away.

3. I am a RETARD at math.  I cannot do anything past easy addition, subtraction and some multiplication.  If I ever were to have children, I would be humiliated by the fact that I don’t even know what half of the symbols on a calculator mean.  I bombed my SAT’s in math so badly that it screwed me up for UNI’s I wanted to go to.  I am good at knowing when clothes are on a discount (funny, then I am a master at percentages!) but beyond that any math skills I have are that of a vegetable.  Humiliating.

4. I don’t know if I am a good kisser.  Now, you’d say, “why don’t you ask the English gent?” Well, he’ll tell me I am.  But I suspect that I am not his best.  That in the kissing department I have failed.  That I am not a good kisser like others are.  I feel like I am lacking in that department

5.  I love freebies and I think that is one of the reasons why I ended up as a Beauty Writer.  Terrible, I know.  I’ve always loved gifts.  When I was a kid we used to get goodie bags when we would leave a party—loved it!  Halloween was a favorite holiday because of the free candy.  I have this sense of entitlement that I should get discounts and freebies like I am a fucking movie star.  Ridiculous.  But true.

6. I am TERRIFIED of aging.  It scares me more than death.  I am scared of losing my youth, not being able to relate to and talk to young people the same way anymore.  Not being able to dress in certain fashions.  Losing my figure.  Not flirting.  Having things sag.  Losing my young face.  Going gray.  Ailments.  Everything negative with aging, I fear.  I have been frightened of it since I was about 13.  Ask my folks (well, you can’t) but it’s true. I have been afraid of every year that has ticked by.  I wish I had a portrait I could hide in a closet somewhere.

7. I always wanted to be a movie star.  I thought it would be such a thrill to be famous and rich and have the celeb life.  I know it sounds pompous, but it was the closest thing to immortality and royalty that I could imagine and I wish I had pursued acting.  But my esteem as too low and I foolishly never tried.  I have a terrible regret about that and am jealous when I read about famous people. 

8. I have no sense of self.  I have terrible low self-esteem (but most people don’t know because I am very gregarious) and I often let things eat way at me.  I have very few friends and tend to lose them often.  I don’t know why, but girls between the ages of 20-39 dislike me and people think they can take advantage of me.  Really crappy.

9. I could eat candy, cakes, pastries and Mexican food all day and all night if it didn’t mean adult on-set diabetes and obesity.  I love sour candy, chocolate, key-lime pie, nachos…….OMG………HARIBO………TALK TO ME!  

10. Finally, and this is the honest truth, I just want to have a good life.  I want to be free and blissful and know where I’m going.  I want a path carved out for me and know that I’m on the right road.  I’m on this journey with you guys so maybe that will guide me somewhere.  But this being an Honest Scrap Award—it can’t get anymore straight-up—I just want my life to be okay.  

With love to you all.  Thank you for being a part of my routine and my sphere.  And pay your scraps forward.  I can’t wait to see who YOU nominate and what you have to say about yourselves.  Thanks for listening and again, this is a big deal for me! I’ll be donning my black tie gown and popping the champagne later. Cheers!

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365