Me, Rhett and Scarlett: Am I TOO Far “Gone With The Wind?”
I never gently fall to sleep. I try and set my mind to conjure happy memories. I reckon this is what I might look like whilst I dream. Hair tousled, lips slightly opened. I see myself slightly grainy. I am between two universes--one where I wish I could remain and one where my body lies. Some would say it would be hell to live in a memory. But what happens if your present is far more painful? Would YOU sleep, perchance to dream?
Dear Ethers,
Have you ever had that empty feeling in your chest? You know it. The one where you breathe in and there feels like a huge hole and then a slight shiver of anxiety and pain. This is exactly what I’ve been experiencing lately. And I’ve looked at my last posts and realized that they have been so negative and I’m scared that they’re depressing you. This is what always happens to me. I make friends because I seem effusive and happy. But as time roles on and life happens, I start to reveal myself and people get turned off by the real me. The me that is a depressive. A glass half-empty girl. The scared, nail-biting to cover her face for protection, sleep all day, cry at night, girl who might look good on the outside but is crumbling on the inside. See, I’ve never written a journal—especially a public one. So, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Will you all go away? Or, in some sad, miserable way, does this bring you closer to me because either misery loves company or you feel sorry for me?
Every night before I go to bed, I close my eyes and I try to conjure happy moments to try and calm myself. I dream about things like the first time I met English gent and bought him a giant topiary (about 5 feet tall) I schlepped home from Columbia Road Market (on the tube) to surprise him. He still gave me butterflies then. I visualize me buttoning up my dad’s white shirt under his tux before he went to the Emmy’s. He swore he wouldn’t win but I bought him a “No Fear” brand shirt that said “If you can’t win don’t play” that he wore underneath his fancy button down. And all I hear is the booming sound when they announced his name while my brother and I were sitting in the audience that evening. He let me carry the statue all night. I dream of when I was a ballerina and got a lead part. We were poor but my mom saved every penny and bought me the expensive pink tulle dress that I needed to perform and I swore to myself that I would dance my heart out that night and prove to her it was worth every cent. I still have that little pink dress in my closet—I never stored it because it reminded me to be humble. I remember not wanting to read the last pages of “Gone With The Wind” because I didn’t want to lose Scarlett. And that I left that damned book with 3 pages in it for a year before I had the heart to finish it. And when I did, boy did I cry.
Life is full of memories. We all have them don’t we? But that’s my point. We are all so complicated. Everyone has a story. And we all love to hear the good ones. But it’s when they turn ugly—we flee. So when I lay in bed at night, I imagine being that girl with all the good stories to tell. I dream of being only in the good moments and cutting away all of the ugly patches in my life. Yes, I do take anti-anxiety medication to help lull me away. To take away the ache. How very sad. I’m a broken machine that needs pills to fix it. You know, I know so many people who are so happy with their lives. And they never wanted for much. They are in normal jobs, making normal money married to an everyday Joe. Why couldn’t I want that? Why did I have to want the world? Why did I have to be a dreamer? What comes with dreams are risks, pain and loss.
Ethers. I want to run. Bolt. Hide. Fade away. Because then nothing new could hurt me and I could just cut away the shit and close my eyes everyday and I wouldn’t have to live in my dreams. I relate to Scarlett when she said to Rhett “Where shall I go, what shall I do?” Because I don’t have anywhere to go AND I don’t know what to do. And we all know what he answers….the famous line, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” And then he walks in the fog. But do you remember what she says? “I’ll think of it all tomorrow….after all, tomorrow is another day.” Yes, tomorrow IS another day…………but the nightmare is a perpetual tomorrow, AND tomorrow AND tomorrow…and the the fear of nobody left TO genuinely give a damn.
Dedicatedly yours,
—One of 365
Step out of the Ether and send me an E-mail. I would be glad to have your thoughts, feelings and ideas.
October 6th, 2009 at 11:00 AM
Without the bad how would you recognise the good?
xxxxx
People who are the same all the time are boring , controlled , false.
I like you because you are like you are . Bubbly and fun but also sensitive and deep. You know I am as mad as a fucking hatter but have learned to live and accept it . Infact sometime drawing attention to the fact that you are an attractive person with a bubbly personality but have a fearful dark side , actually helps others as they know that they are normal.
A great post, honest and enlightening. You need to love yourself more and give yourself a break. Life isnt perfect and neither are you but it can be a lot of fun and so are you
October 6th, 2009 at 11:27 AM
Nobody is 100% happy, or optimistic, or perfect. We love people because of who they are, good and bad. The point is to be yourself, and to accept yourself as a whole being, flawed as everyone is flawed. Courage.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:10 PM
If your ‘friends’ can’t take the real you then they weren’t friends in the first place. We’re talking real life here….who said we have to be happy? You sound so much like me….what star sign are you?
Big difference …..I have to read the end of a book first to prepare myself, I suppose that’s what I’m struggling with now in my real life, I want to be there at the end of the book, not wondering what’s going to happen.
You are who you are, we all love reading your posts, you’re doing something right. xxxx
October 6th, 2009 at 9:19 PM
So sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time. I’ve gone through periods in my life where I’d think, “I wish I’d get into an accident—not a really bad one where I’m maimed, but bad enough that I have to be in the hospital for six weeks or so, and no one could ask anything of me.” Sheesh! That time passed, fortunately, and I’m hopeful this bad period will for you, too. I know we don’t know each other, really, but you’re clearly a creative, talented person with great gifts. As Wildernesschic and Mrs. Trefusis have said, I hope you can cut yourself the slack you would undoubtedly cut for a friend. Take care.
October 7th, 2009 at 12:17 PM
It’s not always dark. Sometimes you just have to wait the blue meanies out and then, for a while anyway, everything is back in balance.
Hold on!
There are a lot of stresses on you now with moving to a new country, living at “home”, new job, frustrated mate…
topped off, of course, with a really bizarre experience of a drugged drink that could be leaving you with a dozen chemical aftershocks!
Even non-anxiety disordered people would be climbing the walls right now!!
Give yourself a break. It won’t stop the anxiety, but it might help that when you think about how you are actually standing up and functioning on a daily basis with all this coming at you, that you must be a lot stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for!
Take care of you.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:21 PM
I think that you are experiencing a bit of post trauma from the other night when you were drugged. And it’s true when you want a lot, there is so much to lose. Still, you just have to balance out your life. Make sure you have healthy routines related to food, exercise and inspiration. I don’t know why you worry that you will lose your audience. The people who read you are tolerant because they come back when they don’t actually know who you are…that’s already remarkable. It’s your storytelling style that brings people over…and your unique insight. It’s okay if you feel dark sometimes, it just rounds out the picture. It’s real.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:06 PM
I sadly think its human condition to not be happy all the time. I am one of those people who, as my mother has always told me, thinks too much.
My only advice to you is to just get out of bed, maybe have a shower and if you can, a little walk around the block. I know how you are feeling as I have been there more times than I like to think. But do remember that things do turn around, change, look different in particular lights. I have, in my life, had 50 friends and then just 1. True friends will weather the storm, fake friends are only around for the good times. Take care of yourself and as I am doing right now as am not the happiest, maybe get lost in a few books. xx
October 8th, 2009 at 12:50 PM
Thanks for the advice. I know it CAN’T be possible for people to be happy all the time. Even those who claim to be blissfully at peace are hiding something. I laughed when you said the comment about your mother. My mom says the same thing to me—she tells me to turn my brain off. I’m always thinking—over-thinking—ruminating. Again we are also alike re: books. I am NEVER without a good book. I think if I didn’t have my nose in a book or didn’t have one beside my bed to calm me before I went to sleep, I’d be a goner. Thanks for your lovely comment. I really appreciate the thought and the kind words. xoxoxoxo