Okay, I normally don't choose images like this for my blog, but c'mon, this was IRRESISTIBLE! Is that vintage Nick Nolte in the center? Anyway, these chaps went from "dudes" to "studs" because of their jean choices, but I have not gone from "dudette" to "filly" from my denim decisions yet. I say "Nay" to this fashion fixture!

Dear Ether,

Jeans.  Do you find them to be the most frustrating item of clothing in your wardrobe?  (Well, the bathing suit isn’t great, but at least you only have to pull that sucker out a handful of times a season…).  But damn those jeans!  I think I’ve probably spent $2000 dollars on denim and still don’t have a single pair that fit, feel comfortable, are the right trend, flatter me or even have the right wash (who knew a fade, or a whisker would make or break me?).  

Is the skinny jean or the full-leg the “cool” way to go?  High waist or low?  Both you say?  Okay, so then I run out, spend major bucks on BOTH and now I have to decide how to alter them.  Which pair do I wear with heels or with flats?  And now what height heels?  Arghhhhh!  Then you have dressy jeans and casual jeans.   And what about embellished ones like Rock & Republic? Oh, speaking of Rock & Republic, why the fuck do jeans cost almost $300?  I remember growing up and my mom spent like 40 bucks from The Gap and they were totally acceptable.  Oh, no, not anymore!  Now you have Sass & Bide, Paige, J Brand, See By Chloe, True Religion, Citizens of Humanity, Diesel—even bloody Victoria Beckham has her own line!  How do you even begin to choose?  

What’s with the size variations.  One brand you can be a twee 25 while another you’re a 30.  Huh?  And why the hell do they make jeans for women who are 6 foot 5?  I’d like to meet the woman who is buying the size 24 jeans with a 34 inch leg.  So that adds like another 15 bucks at least to the already pricey denim (another 10 or so dollars if you want the original hem sewn back on the bottom—so the grand total for alterations at a cheap place is $25).  By now you’ve put a down payment on a car.  But, by the time the tailor has given you back your ship-shape shorties, then the trend changes.  Or, you’ve gained 2 pounds and you can’t fit into them anymore.  Even better, they’ve shrunk in the wash.  I LOVE when that happens, especially when the shop girl says, “Oh, no, buy them tight.  They totally stretch out.” This all being said when you can’t even breathe or sit down in them in the store and you’re sporting major camel-toe. (Word of advice: NO! They do NOT stretch out THAT much.  And, yes, they do become itsy-bitsy after a spin cycle. EVEN in cold water after washing them inside out!). 

UGH!  I hate jeans.  I love shopping and finding a deal or a fab find.  But jeans—they are the 1 thing I hate to dig through the shops for.   And damn those magazine pages for always promoting the “next biggest name” so of course you have to run out and get that hot new label with their brand emblazoned in Swarovski crystals on the rear pocket in some nutty pattern.  I also always hate the articles promoting the “perfect pair for you if you have X body type.” Those pages are NEVER helpful to me, and I can’t ever afford any of the jeans they suggest anyway.  And, may I ask who made it un-cool to make jeans have an elastic waist?   I know this will never fly, but look ladies, how awesome would it be if we could have pants that could expand and decrease with us every few pounds we gained or lost?  PERFECTION.  But no, elastic-waist=super nerdy/pregnancy look.  I just can’t hack it.  I remember they even came out with jeans that had hidden pads that enhanced your derriere!  And what about the new tie-dyed fad?  I just saw them at a boutique and they were $300!  Sniffle, does this mean to save a bob I’m gonna have to go through my old wardrobe and bring out a white pair, find some rubber bands, buy some dye and do a DIY job (because you know that trend will be over in a week and man, I ain’t spending $300 to look cute for 1 day). 

Jeans used to be what beatniks and cowboys wore.  Marlon Brando.  James Dean.  Clint Eastwood.  Bob Dylan.  They were all about no effort, looking casual and being sexy.  When the hell did they become so much work!  I think Mr. Strauss would be rolling in his grave if he knew what had happened to his little fabric originally meant for tents and wagon covers (well, he’s definitely rolling in something, and it’s called bucks, Levi’s are one of the top selling jeans in the world!).  

So, I think we should start a bootcut bootcamp!  No more denim dollar breakers!  We have to stop this outrageous spending on stuff that probably costs $3 to make in a sweatshop in a 3^rd World Country—okay—I don’t wanna be sued for libel—-but seriously here is what you can get for $300: A plane fare from Los Angeles to NYC, a basic Swiss Army Watch, a night in the W Hotel Los Angeles, a really nice digital camera, a spa day for you and your man, a gourmet meal for two at The London, an Anya Hindmarch bag that’s on sale right now that was originally $1,200, a huge shopping trip to Costco that could feed your family of 5 for a good week (plus some fun things in the mix like a DVD, CD’s…)…….I’m going to stop here.  You get the idea.  Go to a place like my palace of prices Loehmann’s instead where they have designer jeans for half, if not a quarter of the price (because at the end of the day who the hell actually notices if you’re wearing this season’s jeans or not).  Or try Buffalo Exchange (a consignment/used clothing store in Los Angeles) where I just bought a pair of brand new J Brand black boot cut jeans that still had the $225 price tag on them for 36 bucks. 

And by the way, debuting at all fine department stores and boutiques worldwide this Fall will be the launch of my jean line called “oneof365-Waistland.”  The collection will be a sensation (it already IS with buyers) because it gives the appearance of a solid waist, but that baby is ELASTIC!!  Dreams can come true   

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365

PS: And OMG—I forgot to mention this—who the hell invented the denim boot?  The denim boot with studs!  The denim boot with studs and a little shirt pocket! Hisssssssssss! See below:

Wow! Found these beauties on eBay.co.uk. I wonder why they were selling em'? They are so "classic," no? Anyway, bid quick, the start price is 9.99 pounds sterling. Think of them as investing in a weapon. That metal stiletto would kill someone EASY. Fashion Tip: Wear with acid wash jeans with ankle zip, cropped denim jacket and your favorite band T-shirt. HOT!