This is just about how beautiful I think I look when I wear my glasses. I HATE them. They are a pain in the ass to remember to bring along in your purse, they aren't always flattering, they ain't cheap and I just think they lessen your look. Some would disagree and say girls look sexy with a good pair of 4 eyes. Me, I rue the day I ever met the blonde in 3rd grade who made me sell my soul to the devil for my 1st pair....

Dear Ethers,

I know I told you one horror story from the DMV, so I’ll spare you my most recent delight when I had to renew my license this time around in Los Angeles.  Hey, I was actually impressed with the place.  They managed to have toilet paper in the bathroom!  Huge improvement.  Moving on from the hygiene issues of this great government building that probably inspired anti-bacterial hand wash, part of the renewal process is an eye test.  And you know what, I was fucked.  

I really hadn’t realized how much my eyesight has depreciated over the years.  My prescription has stayed the same whenever I get glasses.  And, I only wear them when I drive at night if I need to look out for street signs or if I’m on a freeway and need to make a rapid decision.  I also wear them for watching television or when I go to the cinema.  Basically I can’t see things very clearly far away—everything is slightly fuzzy.  Just fuzzy enough so that it makes it frustrating because I can see outlines of people and words but it’s just not clear enough to make out what they are or who they are.  

In California if you don’t pass the eye exam you have in big red letters stamped on your license that you have to wear corrective lenses on when you drive.  That’s a real pain in the ass for me because when I drive during the day I wear sunglasses and it would cost me a fortune to get them all made into prescriptive lenses.  I’ve tried contacts and can’t stand them (I hated the idea of touching my eyeball).  I though if maybe I could memorize a few of the charts I could wing it, but there were so many, I knew I was doomed.  I had to talk my way out of this. 

When I went up to the guy to renew, the first thing was the eye test.  He totally saw me trying to cheat and was about to smack my hand with a ruler!  I confessed all.  I told him to look up my history—that I have no accidents, and told him the above.  That I AM responsible when it counts but having that scarlet letter on my license would be a killer for me during the day.  Now, I’m not saying either he nor I were being good citizens, but he let me off the hook.  Am I going to be fucked in the next 10 years when I have to renew again—totally!  But thank god I’m cool this time around.  

But I can’t help but feel my eyesight is cursed.  Let me tell you a little story about a 3^rd grader named One of 365.  She sat behind a beautiful blonde named Serena O. and she was really popular.  One day she walks into class and she is wearing the coolest pair of pink glitter spectacles I have ever seen.  She got so much attention, I was fuming!  I, even then the budding fashionista, HAD to have a pair.  Somewhat clever even then, I asked what her symptoms were to get such a wonderful accessory and she revealed all.  That same day I marched home and complained of headaches, eyestrain and blurry vision.  When we went to the optician he didn’t understand.  I had 20/20 vision and everything was spic and span.  But I conned the guy and I’m sure he wanted to make a buck, so he gave me what was called a preventative lens (probably clear) and I snagged my glasses.  I remember choosing so carefully.  I settled upon a lavender plastic pair that I felt went with my creamy white complexion and dark features.  When I walked into class, Serena was yesterday’s news and I was the new “it” girl.  But, from then on, my eyesight has depreciated.  I wonder if someone—an optician god has punished me for my lie and has caused me to pay for my deceptive ways.  

Now I always make sure to have a pair in my bag at all times.  It’s like someone who needs to always have their meds on them.  I don’t know if I’m going to be driving unfamiliar roads and need them, or if night comes around, and I am without, things could get dangerous.  

I would kill to have laser eye surgery.  But my doctor says that they are still improving it and since I have yet to hit 30, I should wait another 10 years until my eyesight has really gone down hill.  Truthfully, I’m also really chicken about a laser near my eyeball. 

I hate that I can’t see myself in outfits from far away that I have to squint to recognize you, that I have blanked people and been rude without knowing it.  Damn the curse of the glasses.  Damn them!  And all because of the fateful day in 3^rd grade.  Damn you Serena!!!!!!!!!!!

My Dad recently bought me a fucking high-tech eyeglass cleaner from the Sharper Image for a present.  I was distraught.  I was hoping for something like shoes.  I’m telling you guys…getting old…you get gifts like an eyeglass cleaner—-a fucking car wash for your eyeglasses.  Well, at least I’m not one of those bald dudes who look like he’s from the Berlin art scene with whacko glasses wearing a black turtleneck where his goggles make up his whole persona.  Then it would be jump off London Bridge time.  So to all of you fellow spectacle wearing beauties out there, may we one day all be able to throw them off our faces and be given the gift of 20/20 again! I clink glasses with all of you! 

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365