English Gent, The Therapist–Sans One Of 365 (Is A Cigar, Sometimes, Just A Cigar?)
This is Freud's room recreated in his home on Hampstead, North London. You can clearly see the famous couch many heads perched on during sessions. Though I do not lie on a couch when I go to therapy, the couch represents the center of the room. The most important piece of furniture. It is where the patient collects their thoughts, discusses and learns. I have always held my sessions as a special place for me to escape. A womb-like arena (not as beautiful as Freud's) that allows me to be open and honest without any judgement. On Thursday, my womb will be invaded by English gent. My name will be spoken many times. But I shall not be there. I have many mixed emotions--loss of trust, fear, anger--even hope. And I know that this womb is not just mine---many bodies enter it. But, none of them have ever spoken my name without me being present. I wonder how many "Freudian Slips" will occur on Thursday?
Dear Ether,
English gent has stolen Dr. W. Yep, it is official. MY therapist and MY partner have now booted me out of the loop. Okay. I’ll tell you the whole story, but here’s the irony. YOU GUYS are now my only source of therapy for the moment (well, at least until next Tuesday) and what’s even worse: I’M footing the bill!!!!
English gent and I have been going to therapy together for about 6 sessions now because our relationship has been in a really terrible rut of late. He blames me for bringing him to Los Angeles and to this concrete grave of misery and I am angry at him for so many reasons, all you have to do is hit the sidebar under “English gent” or “Love” and you can read why. It was my idea we start therapy because I felt that we needed a mediator–someone who could be in the middle and help us through our discussions (which normally end in him walking out of a room needing a cigarette or me diving under the duvet crying and dreaming of the life I thought I should have had). Dr. W took to the English gent (and to be fair, the old therapist has a soft spot for me too) and really wanted to help us. So one session turned into many and we started to really open up. But English gent was getting angry. He felt that it was well and good that we spoke about our feelings in our sessions, but that nothing happened outside the 45 minutes that changed anything in reality. He said today was his LAST session with Dr. W. Now of course I was infuriated. I felt really trapped and frustrated. If English gent stopped going to see Dr. W, then what? I mean, we obviously couldn’t handle this relationship problem on our own and we don’t have any other confidants, so what were we going to do?
I slept until 2pm today, that’s how gutted I was.
3pm rolls around and with my face sullen and sombre we take our seats on the couch in Dr. W’s office. English gent talks about how angry he is with me. That I don’t act as a woman should when I expect him to act as a man should (this might be a good point—but his version of acting like a “woman should” is doing laundry, cooking, cleaning….you get my drift…..and as long as he has known me…..that just IS NOT me…….so I was really fucked off…….and my idea of what a “MAN” should be is having money to support himself, having good enough credit to have a fucking credit card for Christ’s sake, being able to drive and not have me chauffeur him around, buy me a thing or two every so often…….but no…….he is a stinking baby who still calls his mother “Mumma” in Russian. Kill me). Then he goes on to say that I’m unsupportive of his work. Ethers, he sits in the office all day doing work for his business abroad as a freelancer and makes it very clear he doesn’t want to be disturbed. He is on English time so he drinks Red Bull’s 5 times a day (which are like $2 a pop, chugs coffee after coffee like it’s water and smokes at least a pack a day…have I mentioned he is up until 5am most nights?) We never go anywhere together because I can’t pay for both of us. We are stuck in this house and are ironically so far apart is is pathetic. I’ll leave it up to your imagination to wonder what our sex life is like (he is 27–you’d think he’d be rearing to go—and truthfully, I haven’t been less interested since before puberty, anyway). It’s dire straits. It’s always a threat of, “I have a return ticket back to England, why don’t I just go?” Or I say, “This isn’t working anymore, but I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose you in my life and I know if we end like this and you fly back to London, I’ll never see you again.” Ethers, am I bound to grow old with a man who I bicker with? Where we’re just angry companions, but stuck together because we care for each other from memories and a feeling of family? And if he goes, I know I will always wonder if I lost the great love of my life because we went through a bad patch and maybe couldn’t work through it. I mean, no one is gonna be happy in their late 20’s living with parents with no money, no license, no visa, no job (the list can go on). And me! You guys know I am dying for that golden ticket. And soon, that will fade and stop shining and I’ll just be and ugly old hag that no one will want—then that will be the final nail in my coffin.
So why do we stay together? Why is the question he and I have been asking for almost a decade. And we come up with so many pros and so many cons. Our great times and our hideous times toughing it out. No one knows either of us better than we know each other. We are too afraid to let go. I know many of you would say it’s like a plaster/Band-Aid. Rip it off fast and it hurts less. No. No. I can’t even imagine the idea of unveiling the wound that the bandage shows underneath. The last look in his eyes before he boarded the plane with no return ticket. The last time I’d smell his neck. The smell of his body on the sheets when I returned home from that agonizing drive. The few gifts he gave me. The albums full of memories. 8 YEARS OF MY LIFE SHARED WITH HIM. Every reference of my 20’s with HIM. Help me Ethers. But please, don’t tell me yet to leave him. Please? Can you try to be constructive? Can we go into salvation mode 1st? I beg you out of desperation.
I’ve lost track of where I was. Right. So. I cannot make it to our twice weekly session the second time being this Thursday, because I have a meeting and then an event to cover. So what did Dr. W suggest? That English get come sans me. I was shocked. He is MY therapist. The guy I pay. The man I introduced English gent to. And now THEY are going to have a pow-wow about ME behind my back? Yes, yes, yes. I know. This will be all fine and dandy. He’ll get to say his piece and Dr. W might coach him and this is only to help. But I feel so vulnerable. As I chauffeur him to that session, I wonder, how many times will my name be mentioned and what will be said? And the truth is I have NO right to ask.
I wish I was free. That I could be 21, just out of school and fresh. I wish this was the beginning. That I had more time. That I hadn’t made so many mistakes and hadn’t given into love so fast and hard. Some of us do it easier than others. I’m a sucker. I’ll keep you updated, as you guys are now my clearest and cleanest form of therapy. Thank you for listening. I just wish I wasn’t sitting here with my face full of tears and the tops of my hand wet with the drippings of the falling droplets all over them. What a mess—in so many way—what a giant mess.
Dedicatedly yours,
—One of 365
Step out of the Ether and send me an E-mail. I would be glad to have your thoughts, feelings and ideas.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:27 PM
There is a lot of anger and resentment there. You could get through this but until you can get both rid yourselves of it. You wont.
I know it can be done .. I had a similar situation one time with my husband. Dont want to write it all publicly but something happened to make us realise what we could loose . Actually me ,what I could loose as most of the anger was mine but with good reason. I was even ready to give it all up and I had two babies at the time. Anyhow He realised he was really loosing me . We took some time out for each other simple things away from the computers and family made time for each other. Things that didnt cost money . But most importantly the anger had gone as it was pointless carrying it on when you have both decided that you want to be together . You have to stop destructive behaviour patterns and remember you like each other and talk. You will find a way through if you want to. xxxx Thinking of you xxxx
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 PM
Oh many hugs and best wishes to you my dear, I just hope you can both resolve the things that are making you both so unhappy. I’ve been with hubby for 17 years and its hard work keeping the relationship going-we love each other to bits, but sometimes events happen that you cannot control and blaming each other is easy but not the right way forward. Wishing you well and thinking of you, keep your chin up.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:06 AM
Here’s a hug over the ether.I hope you two can work it out. You are in a rut and sometimes that’s a sign?
As for you wishing you were younger, well, we all do that. My mother is a great inspiration to me: at 60 she started her own business, and now at 71 she has to turn customers away as she wants to slow down (but not retire!). I was feeling life was over for me at the time and she said, ‘But you’re young!’ She’s taugh me if you want something you can go for it at any age. So I say to you like my mother said to me, ‘But you’re young!’ Look forward, you have everything to live for. You are free, there’s only one person who’s in charge of your life and that’s you.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:36 AM
Three really sticky parts of this rant:
Wondering if you “lost the great love of your life”- the great love of your life is NOT a fantasy person- or it is because you assume that EG will become something he is not. If you love someone you don’t clutch harder and strangle them, you work on the bad bits and it’s really hard!
The second sticky part is this “golden ticket” crap. Spending your life with someone isn’t something done on the surface of life, it’s actually the real thing. Yes it would be lovely to find yourself Hollywood-movie-type of situational relationship… but it’s not REAL- you actually found that out once!
The third sticky part is the fading away, shining no longer and becoming an old and ugly hag. COME ON. This is not a fairy tale we’re talking here! As I have recently turned sixty I’ve discovered that you don’t actually morph into the hunchback old lady with the wart on her nose and the crone face and hands… And guess what? There are still people who find you fascinating to talk to, and flirt with and even eye speculatively! So no. You won’t “lose it all”.
You do have to start talking to each other tho. Really. You are both in a really nasty place – He’s obviously a fish out of water, and you are totally focused away from doing anything with the relationship you are currently IN. (that imaginary “golden ticket” is still just out of your reach… as all fantasies will be) The fact that you are working on a new career path, and forced to stay under the same roof when neither one of you knows what to do with each other is tormenting for both of you! Bickering occasionally is OK, but you have to talk about substance once in a while. It sounds like you’re going to be in this same situation for at least another few months and it’s pretty destructive. [I bicker on occasion with my best friend and spouse of 40 years- it's what you do sometimes in a relationship. When you do it all the time, well, then it's not actually what you'd call healthy is it.]
I really wish you well and I want you to succeed because I think you both have been through a lot together and probably DO have a lot in common. You really should be focusing more on what you both like and things you both share, and stop with the feeling that you have to measure who’s “giving the most” to the relationship. For it to be successful, you can’t be keeping score.
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:24 AM
I’m not a big believer in therapists, especially for relationship counselling. It really is up to the two of you, on your own, to resolve this – if you want to. But tell me, is English Gent a guy that you can see yourself with FOR LIFE? Do you see him as a good husband, good father, do you respect and adore him?
If you see that in him well then I would see if I could work it out – it’s so rare to have those feelings for a man (a good man) that I’d hold on to him if I thought we had something special. And that may mean sucking it up and letting him vent his resentments about YOU first… perhaps taking a softer approach to how you interact with him and seeing if you could inspire him to lead a better life. (Because after all – why else do men clean up their acts – it’s usually because of a good woman).
But if not – if you truly think he’s not thekind of man you pictured you’d be with – if he has character flaws you don’t think can be overcome and you don’t respect him …. well I don’t think it’s worth it. You talk about getting old – well that’s only a problem if you hold on to something comfortable that’s not right for you. It will inevitably end and then you’ll be even older. So in that case I agree with the bandaid reference – make a fast, clean break.
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:52 PM
Ma pauvre chérie! *hugging tight* I was in a situation with my English gent where there was so much anger! The tension was so high and we could not have a normal conversation on anything! I thought I will never love him back and he had the same feelings. It was a major crisis like I had ever had. We went over it by accepting the situation we were in at the time. We had to admit that whether we like it or not, there were facts and if we could not accept the bad moment, then the relationship was not worth it. The worst thing to do is to judge each other with anger because the situation become exponential and believe me it can make somebody turn crazy! It took time to calm down the anger but after that step, the heart became clean to think about real feeling we had for each other.
I agree that you need to ask yourself if he is worth the hard time now. Dont think about the fights but about the person he is now, is he but THE man you want to share your life with and be the father of your kids. If he is, then it worth the storm. If you dont have hope as the man he is than cry him and move out.
I wish you all the best ma cocotte! XxXxXxXxXxX
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:10 PM
PS I agree very much with all other comments but Montreal French Girl knows you best
September 26th, 2009 at 7:30 AM
I hope you choose the right path where you are both happy….as the others say- can you imagine being with him for ever or living without him?
You can live in this unhappiness forever, somethings got to give/be resolved. Good luck with it all….
Take care xx