Ermm....even if I had an ass like this...I need a bit more coverage...

Dear Ether,

Is it wrong to wear knickers from Costco?  Does buying underwear in a vacuum-sealed pack by the dozen make me less of a woman?  

I don’t enjoy spending a lot of money on undergarments.  I like them to be functional.  Now, it’s true that I haven’t been on the dating scene in a long time. I probably wouldn’t wear my 80’s floral patterned pants to meet a hot dude at his apartment.  BUT, what about schlepping around during the day?  I mean, women, when they go to the market, wear lacy-black thongs (how do I know this—well, you know when you squat down looking at the bottom shelf, be careful!  We can see your business…enough said).   Or, ladies power-walk to work wearing La Perla.  I suppose many women feel that it all begins with the foundation of your clothes and then you build up.  Not me!  I like the freedom of throwing on my cheap-o undies, 100% cotton, fully covered bum, in a dopey pattern or just a block color.  Though I do have my standards–I never wear white! 

I own a couple of sexy little numbers.  And sometimes, when I’ve been bad about doing laundry, I’ve been forced to pull them out for everyday use.  I feel silly.  Like I’m wearing a cocktail dress out to McDonalds.  It doesn’t feel like I’m treating myself to something special.  In fact, it feels scratchy or too posh.  It seems like a waste.  People would laugh if they knew what was under some of the clothes worn to many of the events I attend.  For example, I have a beautiful Chloe dress that I wear with black Louboutin’s.  Yeah……I then rock the look with budget lingerie from the Gap or Primark.  

When I first changed in front of English gent, I didn’t expect to be going au natural.  And since I rock the shitty undergarment look, well fuck, out came the 5 year old, no name nude bra.  And, of course, the Costco paisley-print briefs.  HOT!  As a joke I said “What do you think?” He laughed and said, “That is truly shocking.”  Hey, Ethers, at least I still had it in me to shock a man!  

When I see a woman in an ad or a film wearing a gorgeous set of lingerie and see her power of seduction, yeah, I often feel the elastic in the waist of my knickers and frown.  But, instead of spending 30 bucks per pair (at least) on some silk string bikinis, I’d much rather enjoy a nice lunch instead.  

Recently I saw some tabloid photos of Miranda Kerr (Orlando Bloom’s lady) in a corset and thigh-high’s from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.  Yep.  She looked amazing. But, then I saw another pap photo of her changing in the background of another runway show.  She was wearing a crappy, plain nude bra and from what I could see a tan thong.  And you know what, she still looked pretty fucking hot.  At the end of the day, if you’ve got a great bod, those vacuum-sealed bargain beauties are gonna be just fine.  And if you don’t have such a great figure, yeah, maybe a sexy number from Rigby & Pellar will make you appear hotter or feel better.  But, hey, let’s face it, no matter how tight you lace that bustier, you ain’t gonna look like Ms. Kerr.  So, my feeling?  Save your bucks.  You’ll only be wearing that stuff for a few seconds anyway if you’re with a guy.  And at the end of the day, the fewer strings and snaps he has to deal with to get to you, the better.  Viva la underpants!!!!!!

Dedicatedly yours, 

—One of 365

One of the MANY reasons I choose not to wear white underpants.....visible panty line....though this lady has a few other things to think about!

And it wasn't because we didn't pay our electric bill........

Dear Ether, 

August 2003.  New York City.  I’m living in Manhattan with the Big Apple Beauty until yet another one of my visas is approved for England.  It is SWELTERING outside.  And in the East Coast of the United States in August that usually also means humidity—like the bloody AMAZON!  It’s like an unremitting furnace.  Big Apple Beauty, thank goodness, had air-conditioning in good ol’ #1403. 

We had made plans that day to go to the Lower East side (we lived on the Upper East side—-the total opposite end of the city) to go and get a delicious deli lunch, visit the famous pickle lady who sells the best sours out of a barrel on the street (you could die from palette joy!).  We also wanted to check out some of the groovy shops and funky new cafes that had been opening up down there.  Both of us had been complaining that we were SO lazy and unmotivated.  That we always made plans and never stuck to them.  We had made this date over a week a go, and rain or shine (and what shine it was) we were going to schlep down there and keep to our schedule.  I wore a nice vest-top, skirt and refined flip-flops with a heel and she wore trousers and a T-shirt and sneakers.  We were set to go.  The second we stepped out, we were soaked.  I mean, thank GOD for deodorant.  But we marched to that Subway station, and dammit, we made it. 

We poked our head into some cute boutiques and then got completely waylaid by this famous bra shop.  The shop, owned by an Orthodox Jewish couple, was known for brand name underwires for bargain prices.  AND, the wife could take one look at your boobs and tell you what bra size you should be wearing and type you needed.  Basically, a really ghetto Rigby & Pellar.  The store was a total dive, had no air-con and Big Apple Beauty and I were sweating while a stranger fondled our breasts.  It was…..errr…..charming to say the least.  But hey, anything for a deal, right? 

Pleased with out new over the should boulder holders, we walked out onto the street and noticed proprietors of shops standing outside of their properties and people rushing to grab taxis.  It looked like Armageddon.  We went up to a shopkeeper and asked what was going on and he told us that the whole city had lost power.  Too many people had overused air-conditioning and busted the system.  Shit.  Okay.  That meant it was going to be sweltering in the apartment, and we didn’t have a fan, but it’d get fixed soon enough.  All we had to do was hop on a bus and get home.  OH.  RIGHT.  The city was in a deadlock.  The streets were filled with people walking and no cars or buses could pass.  The Subways were dead because of loss of electricity.  You have to remember we were at least a 2-hour walk away in bad shoes, horrible heat and in with a mass of other desperate people.  The worst part was that convenient store owners who had cold water hiked up prices to $5 a bottle.  People were fainting on the sidewalk.  It was hideous.  Big Apple Beauty, no youngster, often felt lightheaded.  We’d hop on a bus—packed to the limit—just to have a break and some air-conditioning.  The bus, of course, wasn’t moving. 

I’d say we left the Lower East side at around 4pm and didn’t get to the Upper East side until at least 7pm.  At that point our feet were bloody and blistered.  Big Apple Beauty couldn’t take her shoes off because they had swollen so badly.  To make things worse, we were really badly dehydrated.  You have to remember, we NEVER ventured that far EVER.  Of all the luck.  The day we get motivated, and look at our reward! It was really eerie seeing the city, one so famous for its skyline, pitch black.  The heat did not cease, so we sat by the East River to try and get some of the breeze.  All you saw were candles flickering all around.  It looked like it must have done during the 19^th century. 

Of course none of the lifts worked in her building, and she lived on the 14^th floor, so we had to walk with a doorman and a torch up steep steps in a narrow corridor which was a heat trap.  By the time we reached the apartment we both were so sick.  The water had been turned off, so no showers to get rid of the sweat and using the toilet was dangerous!  We only opened the fridge when necessary and we sat listening to a radio dripping wet in her stuffy apartment looking out of the window seeing a million other people with candlelit flats doing the same thing.  Eventually the power came back to certain areas, but not until very late in the evening.  There were many people (elderly mainly) who had perished.  It was the worst blackout since 1977—and even then it wasn’t as bad as in 2003. 

I don’t wear that bra anymore.  But when I did wear it, man, it was like a badge of honor.  I earned that sucker.  Big Apple Beauty and I swear, no matter how tempting the pickles are or the lingerie bargains may be, we can’t imagine going down to the Lower East side again.  That place was literally hell…actually…probably hotter than. 

Dedicatedly yours, 

—One of 365

Not the bra I got from the joint in the Lower East side.....but this million dollar baby made of diamonds is how I think of it when I look back on how much it cost me to get it!

Dear Ethers,

I always feel a tremendous triumph when I write this post, for yet another week (well, work-week) has past.  Though I freelance and often work weekends, I’m glad that my vacuous little post gives a little whimsy to the nice days off ahead.  If you view my blog at work, you don’t have to think too hard.  You just scroll down the page, look at some bonkers outfit out of my closet, go “meh” and then move on with your day.  I love doing it because I have this crazy wardrobe full of clothes and it’s going to be fun and look back at all of my Friday posts and see the different get-ups I got-up to throughout the year.

It has been broiling in Los Angeles.  Even in this desert climate where I’m used to it cooling down in the evenings, there is no justice at night.  My fan is my only salvation and I try and wear as light a fabric as possible to sleep in so I don’t sweat to death (I told you, I refuse to sleep in the nude because it’s earthquake territory here and that’s all I need–a 7.5 on the Richter Scale–Armageddon and me naked scurrying for my life).  I bought the dress this week for 15 smackaroos at a blowout sale.  It is made of really lightweight, stretchy fabric and sits on the body well.  It can be worn as a halter, but I like wearing it with the beads around the neck, so strapless it is!  I think the amber neckless makes it more exotic and tribal.  AND I get to wear one of my nifty strapless bras I got from the Gap that I raved about (READ: BRA STORY–it’s a hoot with a nutty picture to boot!).  I finally took a photo of the thing that holds my girls….love it!  And my loveliest citrus Ferragamo’s that I had shipped over from Italy this August.  The LAST pair in all of Europe in my size.  I had a hook up from my mag days at old Salvatore and she got me a deal on these beauties–still expensive—but I own these in black leather and they are just perfection.  They’ll never go out of style and they are so comfortable.  They discontinued the kitten heel in England and the United States—which is what I LOVED about them.  You can only buy the kitten in Italy and some parts of Europe.  I cherish them.

Right, so I wore this to an event that was for a very colorful jewelery launch last night.  It was Africa hot inside and out.  I thought, hey, Africa hot, why not conjure Africa?  I thought this looked a bit African–sorta (look, go with me on this, okay?).  I wanted to be colorful and bright and lightweight.  And I wore my hair down which you just might be able to glance in the picture.  I rarely do that and I so wanted to take a clip and put it up, but the dress looked good with it down, so down it stayed.  So, no big story here.  A cheap dress, damned expensive heels, a bargain bra and a hand-me-down necklace.  Pretty simple and I think pretty chic.  Have a wonderful rest of your work-day and I’ll chat with you on Saturday.  Oh.  I’m covering an event that the devil itself created tomorrow night that might keep me up until 5-6am so I might post late.  Forgive me.  Actually, I should say, LORD forgive ME for this assignment.  Hey, at least I’m earnin’ the bucks.  I’ll try and tell you as much as I can…..Tweeting usually gives me a bit more freedom.

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365

I don't love how this picture looks. It doesn't really look so polished. But, this was taken at 3am by English gent who had been up 24 hours working on a report and had a wonky eye. Yes, I should have smoothed out the dress and pulled up the bust a bit, but hey, guys, sometimes, I'm exhausted, okay! Also, my arms look terrible and they aren't, so no judgement! With my excuses made (and they seem to be made a lot lately...boy, I'm going downhill) I just like the pattern, the colors, the tribal feel. I like how easy this is just to throw on. Just slip on the shoes, put the necklace over your head and fling the dress on. EASY!

C'mon, for $15 you can't really complain. It elongates and it has a built in elastic belt that makes your hips look small and allows the top of the dress to blossom. Worn either as a halter or strapless, take this on holiday as it won't wrinkle. Wear it over a bathing suit, because the material will dry ASAP. It's just a great Summer dress. Wear with hair down and a necklace or hair up with big hoop earrings. Tribal dress, $15, Veronica M, Los Angeles

If I was going halter-style maybe I could have gone bra-less. But no, strapless=bra! No sagging boobs for me thank you very much! And see it in its glory. The bra I spoke of. The Gap 32C. It's lovely lilac and lace. Comfy yet supportive. A bargain. I can't remember what I said I paid for it. Was it, like, $15? Strapless Bra, The Gap, Around $15

English gent's mom was always bringing me back lovely things from the Middle East. This was just another fab gift. Simple. A strand of luminous amber beads that sits perfectly around the neck. You know how some amber is foggy or matte. No, this is clear and speckled. It is stunning. I love that with the dress this almost replaces the look of the halter neck. I think it really makes the neckline. Amber necklace, English gents Mom, Priceless!

I could write a whole dissertation on these. The comfort. The style. The classic beauty. These are PERFECTION. I own these in a matte black leather. I wear them everywhere. Well, I was in contact with a gal PR of mine from Maestro Ferragamo and she told me when the sale was going to hit. She sent me a color book and told me to act fast. My shoe size (7 US, 5 UK) is VERY popular and on sale, these would go quick. I wanted the yellow so badly. And sitting, the very last pair in my size in Europe, in their smallest shop in Genoa, were these. And even on sale, they were a bloody fortune. I love that I might be one of the only people in the States who owns these. They were limited edition in Italy and for that season only. You'd think the color wouldn't go with anything, but it goes with EVERYTHING. And the kitten heel gives you just that extra oomph of height. I ADORE these. Karla Pumps, 330 Euros, Ferragamo, Genoa

Okay, when I said I needed a hand finding a bra, I didn't mean literally! Wow! This would DEFINITELY not be a good T-Shirt bra--can you imagine the lines? Anyway, finding the perfect bra is a necessity and a mission. I think I found my new best spandex and nylon friend--if the bra in the above picture could gesture, he'd give me 2 thumbs up!

Dear Ether,

Okay. Finally. It has happened.  I have found the right bra.  This is shocking to me too.  As I sit here writing, breasts where they should be (and should’ve been for the past 16 years) I am feeling perky (truly).  I’m a woman who has NEVER skimped on a bra.  I have bought Wacoal, Lejaby, Elle Macpherson, Chantelle. I know what it means to own a good piece of underwire (I don’t know about you, but I can’t wear anything that doesn’t have support).  

I was given 200 pounds worth of gift vouchers from a Revlon event to go to Rigby & Peller (for those of you who are unfamiliar with this lingerie love-nest it is an English staple for any woman who thinks she has been wearing the right bra or 20+ years and then discovers with one quick glance of a pro’s eye that she hasn’t).  I walked into the shop off of Old Bond Street, ready with an appointment, and a very old woman gave me a look of dismay right away (and I was wearing a heavy sweater and a scarf—she must have had X-ray vision).  The whole experience is hilarious and degrading at the same time.  You go into a tiny room, take your top off in front of a total stranger, she looks you up and down and then claims you are a totally absurd bra size.  It’s so funny—you hear things from other booths like “38G—what! I’ve been a 34B my whole life.”  Or, “34B, YES! I thought I was a 34AA.  Wait until I tell my boyfriend!”  Well, my “girls” were sagging and my bras were looking tired and the lady told me that I was a 32C.  I actually wasn’t far off—I’d been wearing a 34D. LOL!  She explained something interesting that I didn’t know.  She said you should always buy a bra and wear it on the loosest hook because the bra will stretch and then you will need room to make it tighter.  If you’re wearing your bra on its tightest hook to start, the back is too big.  Good piece of FYI, right?  Anyway, Rigby & Peller is very expensive and I only walked away with 3 bras (seriously) for 200 quid and I didn’t want to waste the money on utility bras—I wanted them to be beautiful.  So, now that I knew my real bra size I knew I needed help!  

Months of sagging went by and I didn’t do anything about it until finally I looked in the mirror and saw myself in clothes and thought, “enough is enough!”  I was on a mission.  But here’s the deal—it is not an easy task finding a 32C.  I guess the back size and the cup size aren’t a usual match and I couldn’t get anything decent for the life of me.  Until….I hit of all places, The Gap!  English gent decided he wanted a nautical looking top and where better to go than the above (they’ve been pumping those suckers out since the bloody 80’s).  As he was looking around, I popped around to the back of the store near the storage area and noticed they had a body section.  I didn’t even know The Gap made loofahs let alone brassieres! I love a sale and all of their body section was having a blowout.  And what do they have an abundance of—32C’s!  Excited, I grabbed a lovely nude convertible bra and a sexy lilac convertible with lace.  With the help of a wonderful sales lady and a dressing room, I got my “boob” on!  Slipping these gorgeous and lightweight bras on that held me in like a corset but gave my boobs a lift and cleavage like a Miracle Bra—well, I just didn’t know something so vanilla as The Gap could dream up such things.  Originally priced at $40 I paid about $13 for each and they came with free clear straps so you could have a sheer line if you chose (I don’t care for that look but some people love it—I just think plastic, latex straps look tacky).  Unbelievable.  I have to say, I am so much more confident with my new boobs.  I have found in the nude seamless a great t-shirt bra or an ideal strapless piece and with the lilac lace, a lovely dressy bra and a fab halter or cross back in a feminine and unusual color.  

I have to say I have not been to The Gap in years, but I will definitely be going back for their lingerie (I also bought two pairs of adorable underpants, they had great bargains on those as well–5 pair for $20 and they were so comfy and with great patterns!).  They feel good and the price is right (even full price it’s a good buy) and the service was top-notch.  Oh, and I noticed they went from the tiny to the mighty in terms of bra sizes so there was something for everyone—and they had unusual sizes as well.  

So now that I have discovered The Gap, I no longer have a “gap” where my cleavage should’ve been all these months!  Excellent.  They shall sit delightfully next to my pricey Rigby & Peller’s.  I bet you the R&P’s will be resentful, but hey, if the job is done with cheaper labor—and we know they’ve raised the bar, in so many words, well, they’ll just have to stuff it (not with tissue I hope!). 

Dedicatedly yours,

—One of 365